JOKE OF THE DAY

[jimswinder]

Gary Blair wrote:

Come on guys - 16 posts without a joke!

A woman sends her lighting obsessed husband to the store saying, get a half gallon of milk and if they have eggs get six. The husband returns with 6 half gallons of milk. The wife asked why did he get 6 half gallon of milk? He replied they had eggs.

and now 17....

[Guest Don Gillespie]

to funny




Wrong insert sorry how do I get rid of it

[Joe Polenchar]

Let me give this a try. Hope you all get a kick out of this one.

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

[Terry Hurrle]

Warning: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME (hope this wasnt posted did not read the entire forum yet)

A mother stopped by unannounced at her daughter's house. She knocked on
the door, then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,'
the daughter answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing....' he said. 'What's for dinner?

[basis21b]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00am in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00am in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[TitusCarnathan]

The board of directors for a large company, believing it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, so on a tour of the facilities during his first day, the CEO notices a guy leaning casually against the wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them all know he means business, and wasting time on the clock is not acceptable.

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO reaches into his wallet, hands the guy $1,200 in cash, and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here aside from standing around?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That guy delivered our pizza."

[travis p]

three race fans who were involved in a very bad wreak on the way to a race meet up at the golden gates.sant peter let them into heaven.inside thay saw the shapes of 3 race cars under car covers thay peeked under the first cover and saw Davie Allison s #28 Thunderbird under the next cover thay found Alan kolikies #7 wonderbird then sant peter stopped them from looking under the third cover thay asked whos car it was at this point sant peter gave them a peek its was the black and silver #3 Montie Carlo he said it was gods car sorry guys thats the best i could do

[Craig Dye]

[align=center]An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, [/align]
[align=center]'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt[/align]
[align=center]in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,[/align]
[align=center]'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.[/align]

[amcdonald307]

Q: What does a rabbi charge to perform a circumcision?
A: Nothing - he only takes tips.

[Mwhite7097]

Better when told aloud

A blonde walks into a library. She goes up to the librarian at the front desk and says loudly, "I'd like a cheeseburger, a small fry, and a Diet Coke please." The librarian, with an astonished look, says, "Excuse me Miss, but THIS is a library!" Looking around the room and feeling completely embarrassed, the blonde says, "I am soooooo sorry. I can be soooo stupid sometimes." Then, leaning over the front desk, she softly whispers, "i'd like a cheeseburger, a small fry.......

[MikeyRo]

One bright sunny day, a group of people decide to take a plane ride over the city for an aerial tour. The plane passenger list consisted of the Pope, a Physics Professor, The President and a Boy Scout.

After reaching altitude, the plane began to sputter and the engine died.

The pilot moves to the back of the plane and says to the group, “Sorry folks, the engine is dead and we are going to crash. The problem is I only have four parachutes.”

The pilot drops the packs on the floor and looks at his passengers.

“I am the company owner and I have to get back to my wife and twelve kids.”

The pilot grabs a pack, straps it on and jumps out the door.

The President steps up and says, “I am the President of the United States, the Commander in Chief and the country needs me.”

The President grabs a pack, straps it on and jumps out the door.

The Physics professor says, “I was just given the award of the smartest man in the world. My knowledge is essential to the continuation of mankind. I must survive if the world is to survive.”

The Physics professor grabs a pack, straps it on and jumps out the door.

The Pope looks at the young Boy Scout and says, “Son, I am a man of God, I have lived a long and fruitful life and I am ready to be called home. You take the last parachute and go live your own long and fruitful life.”

The Boy Scout looks at the Pope, smiles widely and says, “Actually we can both go safely, because the Smartest Man in the World just jumped out of the plane with my nap sack.”

[caniac]

Given the latest rukus with Chic-fil-A, they have now decided to give in and have created the Chick-on-chick-fil-a sandwhich!!

[caniac]