JOKE OF THE DAY

[LightORamaDan]

Message found on frig:

Someone from the
Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst
Beer is normal.

I didn't even know
you like Beer.

[WilliamS]

That would be a great message on the Fridge! Had to be an older guy.

[Guest Don Gillespie]

LightORamaDan wrote:

Message found on frig:

Someone from the
Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst
Beer is normal.

I didn't even know
you like Beer.

LMAOROTF

[Guest wbottomley]

Not mine... but funny.

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?

The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go."

[Guest Don Gillespie]

Finally my type of thread

it has to be clean right

might be a problem for me LOL

Jesus and Moses are playing golf one day and old guy asks if he can join them, they agree, they are at a par three with water between them and the green, Moses tees it up, the ball lands in the water, he walks over to the water, parts the water with his hands walks down hits his ball and it lands about seven inches from the cup,

Jesus tees it up, the ball lands on the water, Jesus walks out on the water hits his ball and it lands about seven inches from the cup.

The old guy tees it up, hits a real lousy shot the ball is going in the water, but right at the exact time the ball is going in the water a fish jumps out of the water and the ball lands in the fishes mouth, at the exact same moment the fish jumps out of the water an eagle swoops down and graps the fish and starts flying away, as he is flying over the green the ball falls out of the fishes mouth and lands in the hole,

Jesus looks at the old man and says come Dad quit screwing around and lets play golf.

[Brian Mitchell]

ooooo...golf jokes

Jim and Bob are playing a round when Bob slices his tee shot off into a ravine. He grabs his trusty 7 iron and heads down into the ravine to look for his ball. As he finds his ball something catches his eye. There is an old rusty 7 iron nearby and attached to it is a skeleton. Startled, Bob yells, "Jim! Get down here! Quick!! And bring my 8 iron. You can't get out of here with a 7.

[james campbell]

here is one for you



The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

[Guest Don Gillespie]

james campbell wrote:

here is one for you



The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

LMAOROTF

[brian.t.lowery]

A Platoon of Army Soldiers is marching through the woods when they hear this Marine scream from the top of a hill

"hey you whimps! I bet I can beat your biggest toughest man!"

The soldiers look around and they find their biggest guy: 6'10" and 300 lbs of muscle. They help him take off his gear and send him up after the Marine. The Marine dissappears behind the hill and the soldier follows.

10 seconds later the soldier comes rolling down the hill more beat up than ground beef and the Marine comes back out

"Is that the best you got? Tell you what, send your next two toughest guys up, and maybe you'll have a chance!"

So the Soldiers send up the next two guys and the Marine dissappears behind the hill. The Soldiers follow and 10 seconds later come rolling back down just as messed up as the first.

The Marine comes back out and says "To hell with it, why don't you all just come up here, it's the only chance you got!"

All the Soldiers go running up the hill, and the Marine dissappears around the back.

The lead Soldier gets to the top, sees the other side and yells "Go back! It's a Trap! There's two of them!"

[Shubb]

Back to the golf jokes:

Every Sunday for 50 years Willard would go golfing with his best friend Tom.
One Sunday he came home 2 hours late, sun burnt and exhausted. His wife showed great concern and ask what happened.
"It was horrible" he said, "We got to the 10th hole and Tom grabbed his chest and fell to the ground, dead!"

"Oh gosh" the wife replied "I guess that explains why your so late. But why are you sun burnt?"

The husband replied "Do you know how long it takes to tee off, drag Tom, tee off, drag Tom?"

[WilliamS]

Saw this one a few years back and I track it down for all these threads. As Im a military family it fits me.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Denis Chaput]

• Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
  Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
  
  One student said to his friend:
  "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
  Those people walk just like that."
  
  The other student says:
  "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
  He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
  
  Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
  And one of the students said to him,
  "We're medical students and couldn't help
  But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
  Could you tell us what it is?"
  
  The old man said,
  "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
  
  The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
  
  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
  
  
  The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
  
  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
  
  
  So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
  
  
  The old man said,
  
  "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[pyromill]

Dan,

Thank you for providing a start to the past when we all had fun and got to laugh at something on the forums without all the attacks!

Thank you.. even though i knew that joke before, it was awesome to see you post it out of the blue.

Edit portion...

That's why my wife has her gyno call her phone only

[LightORamaDan]

pyromill wrote:

Dan,

Thank you for providing a start to the past when we all had fun and got to laugh at something on the forums without all the attacks!

Thank you.. even though i knew that joke before, it was awesome to see you post it out of the blue.

Edit portion...

That's why my wife has her gyno call her phone only

There is a time and place for everything....


I remember this joke that my Dad (rest his soul) told me when I was a kid. First joke of the type he told me and I will never forget it.

A family’s Grandpa was visting from Itialy and they decided to take him to is first base ball game.

He was interested to understand this new game but was a bit confused by all the rules.

The first batter came up and got three strikes and was out. The old man in an Italian accent said, What a happened there? They throw the ball and he just goes back and sits down. Grandpa the batter has to get a hit if he wants to get on base. The important thing is to get on base.

Next batter gets up and hits a ball almost to the center field wall and it is caught. Grandpa says… Whats a going on here. He hits a the ball a mile and he does not get on base. Grandpa they caught the ball so he is out.

Next Joe Dimaggio gets up to bat, takes 4 pitches and is walked.. he then starts walking on down to first base.

Grandpa says now I do not understand at all. Joe didn’t hit anything and he gets to get on base. The grandson say, Grandpa, he got 4 balls so he gets to go on base. And Grandpa says. Joe gots a 4 balls? Shouts out: Hey walk a proudly Joe walk a proudly!

It was pretty funny when I was 10!

[Guest guest]

Well let's see how this one goes. Hope it's not too raunchy for the Joke of the Day.

There was a little boy and a little girl whose parents were divorced, the little boy lived with his father, the little girl lived with her mom, who was now the girlfriend of the little boys' father.

So just about every day the little boys' dad had his girlfriend over, who also brought along her little girl.

Now the children were still young and naive, the little boy was around 7 years old, the little girl was near the same age, about 6 and a half.

So the two children always played with each other out in the sandbox, which was under the little boys dads' bedroom window.

So they always could hear what their parent was doing inside, one day the little boy asked the little girl, after hearing her mom and his father say let's get undressed and play post office:

Little Boy: Hey wanna get undressed and play post office like your mom and my dad do?

Little Girl: Sure, why not? But you start first.

Little Boy: Okay, and starts pulling off his shirt and pants. The little girl follows.

Now the little girl still has her underpanties on, now the little boy is completely naked standing in the sand box, little girls' eyes open wide with excitement, and then asks the little boy, "What's that thing hanging down between your legs?"

Little Boy: I don't know what it is. But you need to take your underwear off too, so she does.

Little girl now has her underwear off and focuses back on "the thing" between the little boys legs, and then asks another question:

Little Girl: Well I know you don't know what it is, but can I touch it?

Little Boy: Eyes now wide with fear looking between her legs and says: Hell NO! You've pulled yours off already!

[Shubb]

When my son was 6 he came home and wanted to tell me a joke. He could barely stop giggling long enough to get out the punch line.

"What did the man say when he walked into a bar?" he said.
(I was a bit interested in where a 6 year old was going with this, but I bit)
"I don't know, what did he say?"

"Ouch!"

My son is now 23 years old and only days away from being a father himself.
I can remember that joke like it was yesterday.

Scott

[Guest Don Gillespie]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and a Ukrainian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Ukrainian fumed, What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!

The Indian doctor chimed in, I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!

The Chinese businessman called out Move it, time is money.






The Catholic priest said, Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hello, George!, said the Catholic priest, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George, the greens keeper replied, Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

The Indian doctor said, Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.

The Chinese businessman replied, I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls.

The Ukrainian said: Why can't they play at night!

[Guest wbottomley]

A white horse fell in a mud hole.

End of story.

Sorry it wasn't a clean joke.

[shfr26]

This thread was started, I think, beacause of a comment I made. After reading a few of the jokes, I am soooo sorry folks, please do not take it out on me.

[George Simmons]

There once was a gal from Nantucket...