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How to write a great Trouble Ticket/Forum post for help

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How to NOT get great service:

"I already have a sufficient license key that I DO NOT need to, or want to upgrade. The stupid offline registration does not work, nor does your technical support phone line.
You have 1 hour to resolve this issue, lest I launch a major negative campaigner assault against your company on the WEB, and let people know that you DB new yorkers are nothing more than a bunch of big shiesters."

Actual first ticket from this customer received 10 minutes ago (busiest week of the year).  No description of what the issue is (other than something to do with a license key).

Why would I WANT to help this person?


Edit:  While I suspect no one would WANT to help someone with that attitude, I did in fact reply to his ticket to get more information about what the actual issue is (the quote above was the ENTIRE ticket).  I actually replied 4 times and waited the entire hour she gave us.  I received no reply.


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